Hope in Hard Times

We all experience down moments, and as some put it, turning moments. These moments forge us, build resilience, and make us stronger. They are the moments that make us ready for the next stage of our lives.

I’m experiencing that moment. It’s difficult to say if this experience of mine is going to be a turning moment, but I hope it is, because I’m drained.

Lately, my sighs have been heavy. While it’s normal to sigh, it gets scary when you can feel the weight of your sigh. One moment I’m trying to make productive efforts, the other moment I get frustrated and let out a heavy sigh. It’s beautiful how such a non-verbal cue can express so much meaning. Just a sigh and a heartload of emotions have been sent through the body.

It doesn’t get better with the agitation I feel. The constant restlessness that troubles me creates an overwhelming reality that all efforts have been a waste, with little to no progress to show. In a bid to distract my dying soul, I go online to get a little humour, but despair hits me in the face. Either a friend is posting about work-life balance, or another is posting cute pictures. I’m happy for my friends, they all deserve greatness. But here I am struggling to have a life, talk less of a work to balance it with, and that isn’t funny.

Perhaps I could mask my misery with fun, but my indoor life just won’t let me. It’s not entirely my fault, there’s just no one to visit. Even if I find a way to let off the steam, reality is quick to check up on me. A simple “How are you?” makes me gloomy. At that moment of thinking of the usual “fine” response, reality checks again to remind me of my inadequacies and that there’s nothing fine. Well, I always respond with “fine”.

In these troubling moments, I expect people around me to see what I’m going through. I hope they’d see the gloom on my face. And at that point, I realised that no one sees it. No one sees the pain. No one sees the heartache beating against my heart. No one sees the troubling affairs running through my head. It’s all left for me to carve my freedom. I alone must find a way to empower myself and rise against the odds.

I’m trying to make changes. Again. I can only keep trying till I achieve what I desire. This time around, I want to free my heart. It’s been heavy for so long. I want to be cheerful, enough of the hopelessness I nurture. I want to be resilient against all odds. I want to reflect and strategise better. I want to pick myself up because I am all I have. I want to be better, for myself and to guide others who would be in similar moments.

Just give this a little thought. 

After all the sufferings so far. The unpaid bills, the hunger, the rent deadlines.

The empty bank accounts. The family expectations weighing on your shoulders

The humiliations from others. The days you pretended to be “fine.”

The double jobs. The jobs you didn’t get after countless applications.

Nahh.  You’ve deposited so much to give up now.

This isn’t motivation, it’s a reassurance that you’re not alone, and you’re closer than you’ve ever been.

So, keep forging on. At the end of it all, we’re all soldiers just trying to win the battle we fight.

And I so much believe that you’re winning yours.

After all, this is your turning moment.